When my mom was my age, she and my dad moved to California. My dad had graduated from college, but the only job that came available to him was in Fresno, far away from everyone they knew. He moved ahead of my mom in order to start work, so my grandma rode with my mom across the country to help move her and my brother.
Now my mom is the one in the passenger seat, moving me.
Proof that life is cyclical.
In the weeks leading up to the move I kept feeling like California was a returning of some kind, but I haven’t been able to articulate how or why. Maybe this is it—a returning to my roots; a retracing of how I began in order to be who I am.
I wrote the above on the morning of December 26 as I packed what could fit of my material possessions into a 4-door hatchback and left Oklahoma, heading West. Since that morning I’ve written almost nothing. My mind has been a total blank. So has my heart. I’d like to hope it’s simply because there is so much going on externally that I can’t process it all.
I’ve been in California for a little over a week and it doesn’t feel real. It’s 3am and I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about change. How change is good. And how change is devastating even when it’s good. And how all of this is true whether you invite the change or not.
These must be the fragile moments. And they sometimes hurt to touch.
Someone asked me how my move has been. I feel disappointed thinking back on my answer. I told them it has all been pretty smooth so far. Not a lie, but a bit of a non-answer. For two reasons, I think.
The first being I have had little time to actually consider how my move has been. I have not had a chance to sit and think, so when asked, I honestly didn’t know yet. The question made me finally start to consider the past few weeks.
The second being I still have trouble allowing others to see me when I’m too close to my feelings to name them. I don’t know why I didn’t feel like I could say that I didn’t know. Why do I do that? Why do I provide a pleasantry in place of honesty? I wish in that moment I had been better. So I’m going to put it here because this is where secrets are kept.
How has my move been?
The drive out had no hiccups, moving into a new place was seamless, going back to work after a two week break has been a breeze. The day I drove into my new town was exciting and calming, which I think is a good way to measure if something is right.
But there is something else here that I find difficult to name. Grief, maybe. The physical distance that now exists between me and everything else has provided some much needed relief. I finally feel like I’m able to take a deep breath and mean it. And somehow this relief is making me sad. It makes no sense to me, which is why I gave such a surface level answer.
I have never regretted anything before. I’ve never looked back and wished I did things differently. I have always held the value that learning is growing, and you learn best by doing, so nothing is irredeemable. But now I can’t help but regret this very big thing. I have spent so much time trying to find the silver lining in it, the growth, the lesson. I know it’s there, but mostly I just feel like I could have done without the experience. I am still trying to integrate my past and my present, which will turn into my future. I am still trying to figure out who this has made me.
California is a returning, that’s true. I am retracing something here, even if I’m not quite sure yet what that is. I don’t know what I’m doing here, or what I’m looking for, and there is only a suspicion of who I am now. I never expected to be here alone. Though I’m grateful not to be where I was and I’m grateful to be where I am, as I am, it’s true that my present sometimes looks nothing like I thought it would and this realization can trip me up.
So how has my move been?
Exciting, terrifying, full of peace but also overwhelm. I am happy to be here. I am sometimes sad, and I am sometimes scared, and I am telling myself this is okay. And I am trying to understand how all of this can exist in one body.
I hope this is a better answer.
“I have always held the value that learning is growing, and you learn best by doing, so nothing is irredeemable.” oof! Thanks for bringing us along the journey 😌
😊💓